Rocking 2012

Happy New Year. Source: Mr. Google

Today, 27^th December 2012. It’s only a few days away from New Year. 2012 had been a very overwhelming year for me. Everything turned 360 degree around me. I was for the first time driving alone to another state, what such an accomplishment for me. Obviously because I’m not that good driver and I do not like driving by my own much. Unless someone offers to be my driver, I would be too grateful. Haha.   

I had received a New Year wish from so called stranger (who happened to be my senior at uni, my beloved BFFs wanted to match me with). I had fallen in love him and fallen out of love. I was the trouble, not him. The blame was all on me. Then I fallen in love again and I believe I still do (with the same one, of course).

Secondly, it’s all about my career. The first 6 months were enormously challenging for me. I could only wish having another pair of hands so that I could fasten my work. I became too much familiar with scanning machine and emailing within very limited time with your heart racing like 200beats per seconds, work which I never thought of doing in million years. But I managed to standstill for those 6 months (although uncountable times I had been caught up with my tears all raining heavily over my face at the office). I'm so unprofessional. I must admit. I being the most emotional person my former boss once met. As I said to him, I really wished I could take all the tasks ever assigned to me differently. They were only works; there was nothing personal about it. Yet, I was still putting my very best in delivering every task given. Those 6 months were the most unforgettable moments in my life. Perhaps I haven’t been experienced enough the real adult life. My first working experience was so decent and full of enjoyment and filled with wonderful and lovely people. Then, suddenly been thrown to such unforeseen circumstances (though I was the one whom volunteered myself to be transferred) I couldn't endured the pressure rested on my slanted shoulder. I withdraw. I really tempted to write more on this, but I couldn't and I shouldn't  I kept telling myself to stop thinking over the past, let the past flew with the times. The key to lead a happier life, spend LESS times talking about your PROBLEM and your PAST.

I had received a few great news from my much-loved friends, as my BFF, Bb finally tied the knot to her long times boyfriend. While R also married her other half although they barely a year met. I treasured every moment being in their wedding days, which a beautiful events with bundle of love and joy. The newly-weds were unquestionably happy, grinned to their ears. I was the maid of honour for Bb’s wedding. That was my first time and could be the last time. I might ruined Bb’s wedding by sending her 8 months pregnant make-up artist home and only asked her to come back for second make-up session 3 hours later. The truth was Bb’s make-up artist still in need after ‘akad’. Bb had to change into her reception gown which in Tiffany blue with heavily patched white flower on the right side. The gown exquisitely was custom-made for her petite frame. In the end, Bb’s best colleague and I have to dress her up for the reception. Putting the veil on her, placing the tiara and adhere that tiara properly on her chiffon scarf which matched her beautiful wedding gown. Luckily everything went smooth sailing as the bride wished for.

After saying goodbye to my former employer and colleagues, I joined new company. Everything was new to me. I carried so much hopes and dreams within me as I walked in and signed up my employment letter. I've been dreaming an impossible dream, too good to be true. (I have been indulge in thought that I shall dress elegantly everyday to the office, meeting new people, attending meeting with managerial level, not to mention wearing pretty high-heel) Well, that’s me, such a dreamer. I only learnt that I shall be stationed at HQ until the assigned project started during my very first week here. The fact that I’ll be relying on public transport to reach the office was not easily swallowed. After an hour travelled in public train (45min in KTM coach (if only KTM being nice to me without any further delay and so much stop in between station) and another 15min in LRT coach)), I have to walk another 15min to reach the office. At first, I planned to learn and expert in software which soon will be essential for career enhancement. And I easily give up on that. Since there was pretty much nothing at all to do at this new office, so then I started to blog. Regardless of grammatical errors, I still blog. :-)

There is no direction of my writing as I blogged so much about myself instead. I believe those who happened to read my blog became annoyed by then. Therefore, my New Year resolution is to write only happening, interesting and informative story. There would not be myself photograph to be uploaded, but then perhaps I will share the photo that I take by myself. I'm not good at taking photo, so please don’t expect something fantastic from me. ;-D

Happy New Year. May this coming 2013 brings you all the beautiful colour and fun in your life. Take care. 

Confusing me

"Stop Wishing. Start doing." referring to myself. Source: Mr. Google

Last week, I was despaired on my stagnant career. It’s been half a year since I joined this new company yet I still don’t embrace the sense of belonging here. The fact that the construction project that I have been assigned to, still far to be truth. Not a single day the thought of hopping to another company ever leave my mind. There were days when I no longer endured the frustration within me, I texted my former boss and seniors I used to work with, seeking for their kind-advices. Again they were rather leaving me in confusion. Simply because I myself don’t know what I really want. I don’t hold the firm ground and having faith in myself. There was the day I so damn much in need to convert myself into someone else. Someone whom so lavishly confidence in everything she did, someone whom willing to take challenge, someone whom strive over success.

Last Thursday, I did something beyond my sensible mind. I sent my CV to my former boss, Mr. V. The whole day I spent updating my CV (there was nothing to update frankly) and finally at 5pm, I clicked the send icon. To my enormous surprise, an hour afterwards  Mr. V rang me on the phone. He informed that there was a job waiting in line which required both office and site work. Kind of what I've been dreaming of. But the thing is, although working under sun may not such an issue to me now (although I still struggle with the itchiness and reddish spot on my hands once they exposed to the sun) could I take the pressure working under such a massive high profile project?. Each time I passed by any construction site along the way to the office, I could not resist my eyes from not looking into it direction. The sound of pile hammering onto the ground was such a high beat music to my hearing. The dust followed by the ‘lori hantu’ loaded with soil or crusher run was just like unintended compact powder applied on my not-so-smooth face. The excessive sun exposure was such a free treatment to bronze my pale skin which resulting in more human alike rather than doll alike (I'm trying to console myself that soon after I start working at site, my skin colour will eventually change from quite fair to quite dark).

There was a day when I talk to myself, perhaps this field never meant to me. Perhaps I ought to go back to the university and cave in myself doing research which I quite good at (I wanted to believe that I did). Then my mum would be so grateful and saying things like ‘although you hold so much passion on this construction field, but it seem like you are incapable of doing it. Teaching would be more promising to you, dear’.

However, something keeps bothering me most of time. My inner voice keeps saying, ‘Hold on. Don’t give up just yet. You can do it. Chaiyo!’

“Earn a living”, not “make a killing”, because let’s face it; some jobs aren't cut out for fortune-making. – Lydia Teh on Take the Plunge, The Sun, Dec 18^th.

Went through her article, just kept me thinking, perhaps I need to make a drastic career switch. I don’t really mind working extra hours, as I projected myself as someone who loves to work. I'm not someone who sought for the money (otherwise, I will look for part time job since I have more time now), I presumed myself as someone who sought for self-satisfaction the most. I'm quite self-centred myself. All I wish that one day, after such a long and tiring working day, I go back home and murmuring to myself, ‘you have done such a good work today. Well done. There are a lot awaiting for tomorrow. Take a nice and sound sleep. Viel gut!’.

Whenever I went myself confused about everything, then I took refuge into the book that I read. I was imagining myself as the main character. It was Alice Fisher of Life’s Too Short to Frost a Cupcake by Rosie Wilde. A Londoner at her mid-30 cleaning compulsive whom life have been turned upside down when she had been instructed to fly to Ohio to persuade the once massively successful, now reclusive, recovering alcoholic singer songwriter Wyatt Brown to record a new album. Although the storyline kind of fairytale and too good to be true. But yet, it’s entertaining. It’s just good enough to lift up my despair. 

P/s: At this age, I still uncertain about my career path. Not such a good sign I guess. 

Will you marry me?

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
-Mignon McLaughlin. Source: Mr. Google

Marge appeared to be quite content these days. I don’t know quite how it happened, but she and Danny were getting along just fine. In fact, when you considered that my sisters and brother were relatively happily married, I don’t know why I had such an aversion to it myself, why I thought of marriage as the end of everything and the beginning of nothing. 

– Kitty McCarthys, Kitty and her Sisters (page 72) by Maureen Lee

I personally not so keen about getting married. I don’t know why. Perhaps I had reached the stage where marriage no longer a huge matter anymore. There was a time when I secretly came to believe that I might be single for the rest of my life. When my parents and people around me keep asking about it, I easily get annoyed by them. Later, I managed to show my casual face. Just grinned at them and walked away. Several of my close relatives volunteered themselves to be my matchmaker. ‘Lawyer, doctor, engineer, you name it. We will find one’. Even my dear friends, those who close to me, worried so much about my singlehood. They were asking me to change my job in order to find a potential date. In fact my former colleagues, tried to match me with his dear friend whom is about twelve years older than me. I could only laugh my heart aloud.

Thinking about marriage alone had frightened me enough. Let alone raising my own child. I'm not such a good daughter and eldest sister myself. Of cause I won’t dare to think of becoming a wife and a mum. Perhaps, I kind of agreed with Kitty. I even come across to ‘love ends at the marriage life’. But I indeed believe that marriage is the beginning of everything. 

Only this year I’m back into this love game. My mum was so excited about it. Perhaps for the fact that it had been quite a long times since I last ever mentioned about going out for a date. Everything went so fast. Fast enough for me to swallow the fact I was about to get married soon. I hesitated. I threw his proposal back. It was the first time I ever jilted someone. I left him broken hearted.

‘Most of the girls at school want to get married.’

‘It doesn't mean you have to’

‘Are you putting me off?’

‘No. I just don’t think marriage should be your sole ambition. You should only marry when you fall in love with a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.’

Kitty and her Sisters (page 192) by Maureen Lee

Shortly afterward, I attached to someone I called love, someone that I want to marry to. Enough of that. It turned out that I was the one who urged for marriage things and we are apparently just a few months met. I always have this little crazy thing within me. I might be an obedient, but. There’s but there. When you expect me to do something without my will, chances I might doing unexpected things are there. I was born to a quite conservative parent, whom expected me to get married soon after meeting ‘the one’. When my parent and others kept asking ‘when are you going to get married?, when are you going to settle down’. I sensed an enforcement hitting my head. And I don’t feel liking it. I just dislike being force to commit into something against my own meant. I tried to reason them. I said things like I wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready just yet. I began talking about the responsibility awaits. Maybe my biological clock is quite alarming, but I don’t see the need to be in a rush to get married. Marriage isn’t as simple as looking for new garments; even looking for a new shirt would cost me whole day hunting. Yesterday you married to A, today you divorced him. Tomorrow you’ll jump into B’s arm. Therefore, marriage shouldn’t be taken very lightly. 

Even if I was sure now that this person was the one I should marry, would I still feel that way in two years? What about in 20 years? I was signing up to be with the person for the rest of my life; I had to be sure. (Belinda Elliott, www.cbn.com)

Marriage has its own purpose. The right reason to get married is the purpose that marriage is designed from the beginning. The basic purpose of marriage is to satisfy our deepest human need, companionship (Hanna Shiferaw). I always believe that marriage as the best way of creating permanent connection. The bonds between you both go deepen over times. 

Yes, I do want to marry the man whom I love. At least now, I genuinely want to get married. Begin to think about having my own family, having my own babies. Babies? I'm so fond over babies nowadays. I wouldn't bear looking at one without holding a temptation of touching them. 

Hilary tells me that women say that they need three husbands in their lifetimes. As a young woman, they need an adventurer. As a mother, they need a father to their children. And as an older woman, they need a companion, a steady type of guy. if you can full those roles over the course of decades, you're in luck. 

- Paul Wexler, married 40 years to Hilary. (www.esquire.com)

P/s : will you be my adventurer, a father to my children and my companion?

Forgiving others

Good thoughts create peace and bad thoughts result in mental tension, with no peace.

– Bridget Mendez, The Sun, 3^rd December 2012

Last Sunday, I attended a friend’s house warming pot luck  sort of small gathering for ex-MCB. It’s been quite a while since we last met. A lot of stories need to be updated. A lot of gossips need to be catch up. I personally enjoyed seeing them. You could hardly come to ‘moment of silence’ with them. Laugh, laugh and laugh. We were laughing at the fool that we went together or the fool that others (refer to our former bosses) made which became our laughing stock. Each of us cherished our old times in Kundang.

As the stories exchanged, I heard something unpleasant to my ears. As the project completed, most of us followed different path. Although everyone seems move on to other place and carry on with the own life, but some still caught in the old memories. To my huge disbelief, ‘you-know-who’ still pour salt to the almost forgotten (but somehow it still glue to my mind) wound. It was rather amusing to find out that she couldn't really get over me. She accused me of trying to steal her ex-boyfriend (by the time, they had long broken apart). He was my colleague back then. I might have a little crush on him since I adored his working etiquette so much. But, that’s it. In remembering him, there was one day he tried to match-make me with his eldest brother. I received an envelope contained a black and white paper printed photograph of his brother. That was hilarious. I just laughed at his childish and replied him, ‘I won’t be your sister in law. Couldn't imagine myself to share your mother attention with your girlfriend (‘you-know-who’ was his girlfriend by that time)’. But that is not my point here. After more than a year since she posted her offensive post about my dear fellow friends and I. I wish, I really pray hard that one day she could stop bad-mouthing others. Guess what? She still tries spreading bad-rumours about me, saying the untruth stories to Manjung colleagues. My only hope that those happened to be friend with me before I left Manjung, should be able to make their own judgement.

I am trying my very best to forget and forgive her wrong. I'm still struggling till today. Regardless she never seeks for my forgiveness herself, but I have to forgive her. I myself had my own wrong. I have been wronged to others too. Whether I did it intentionally or unintentionally only Allah knows. As much I wish those people who I have been wronged to, forgive and forget mine, I really want to believe that ‘you-know-who’, deep down inside her heart, she want me to forgive and forget hers too. Therefore, remain positive toward others. Viele Gut!

Opposite Attraction

Source: Mr Google

He is an extrovert, you are an introvert. He loves travelling; you are barely leaving your hometown. He endures adventure and extreme sports; you only do aerobic instead (does aerobic count as sport?). He enjoys the more you ignore me by the Smiths; you enjoy Bubbly by Colbie Caillat. He wears t-shirt and jeans anywhere, you wear flowing maxi and cardigan almost everywhere. He likes James Bond type of movies; you indulge Pride and Prejudice type of movies. He eats red meat, you eat white meat. He likes vanilla muffin, you like chocolate muffin. He likes Magnum Classic and you like Magnum Chocolate Truffles. And the list can go on and on...

I couldn’t find the answer whether or not the opposites do attract. Searching through the google couldn’t give me the precise answer. There are mix opinions on the topic. Some showed a preference for someone with the same sort of the traits. Others think that homogeneity or similarity is too boring. Perhaps you both might run out of things to talk about since you both attached to similar things. But, when it comes to involve feeling things, there couldn’t have one rigid answer. You could be Vivian and Edward of Pretty Woman in real. Perhaps your Jerry Maguire is on his way to melts you down with ‘you complete me’. Some urge for qualities that complement their own rather than ones that they already have. Things like this could happen. What matter the most, how you handle and tolerate with those differences.  

Untitled

It is impossible for you to satisfy everyone needs, let alone to satisfy your ownself. You feel like you’ve stagnant at one place. No way to turn to. No one to refer to. Everything seems so blurred. You know that only you can make the change. But you still there, so numb. You are standing still with your clueless mind. You let your mind wondering of any possible answer for your unspoken doubt. At one time, you think of letting go everything. Let yourself free. Free like a bird, flying up in the sky to an aimless destination. Every waking moment, your thought fills with uncertain things. You are not depressed. Yes, you assured about it. It’s a normal daily life as a human. You just have to face it. Chill! 

Source: Mr Google

Jealousy vs. Envy

Source: Mr Google

I could not stop myself from comparing with others. There was an incident that still fresh back in my mind. It was my final year at university. I remembered getting poor score. My bad, I couldn't remember which subject. Perhaps I didn't quite a scorer back then. And I never was. Huhu. I remembered that I was comparing my best friend score with mine. I even spelt a sarcastic response on her higher mark. ‘Wow, your mark higher than mine.’ I said enviously. But her reply made me amazed more. ‘You have always been getting higher score than mine’, she said. When she begun comparing our physical appearance, I still remained silent. The fact that I'm being taller, thinner and fairer than her, never bother me. But when she actually mentioned about my parents and family affection over me, then only I realized how much grateful am I. She seldom shared her family matters with me. ‘You should be glad for the love showered by your parents, the attention given, the unconditional support and the indulgences'. Not that her parents didn't care for her well-being, it was just me being too dependent on my parents. She was actually envied me for that. In contrast, I envied her for her independent.

So, why did I use envy, not jealous for the above situation?

According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (which I borrowed from my colleague),

Envy     - painful or resentful awareness of another’s advantages.

Jealous - 1) demanding complete devotion,

   2) suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage.

Wikipedia described jealousy as an emotion that connected to negative thoughts of fear, insecurity and anxiety of losing something that he/she values, merely referring to human relationship. Whereas, envious best-described as a resentful emotion experienced when he/she lacks of another person’s qualities, accomplishments, or wishes which he/she being desired of.

My green eye’s monsters become wilder when I'm in love. Yes. I tend to get jealous towards unknown rival, from the unknown exes, to his best-friend’s girlfriend, to his admirable sister in law, to our mutual friend who happened to work under same project with him. Lucky enough I didn't tend to control his social life. There was a time when I easily offended by his comments or concerns of other ladies. Knowing that he never really purposely comparing myself with them, but I was the one who kept comparing myself to them.

Back then to my previous company, I met a colleague who turned to be my closest friend. After I left, the friendship became sour as I always not really good at maintaining a long distance relationship. I always am envied over her being so tough, bold and fierce and of cause of her intelligence too. Seeing her career as the only lady-engineer at site, I became more envious. I kept comparing myself to her. Why I couldn't be just like her? Being so bold and yet charm never leave her side. Why others always saw her potential while they ignored mine? Or perhaps construction never is my battlefield.

The fact that she works under the same project with him also contributed to my jealousy. I knew that my jealousy towards her was surrounded by blindness and without any ground. Knowing her for several years I should be able to understand what type of person she is. She is someone you can call friend for the laugh and the cry. She is trustworthy. But I am in love. I am hopelessly jealous over almost everything. Being apart of him never been easy. Nasty thought came rush through my head sometime and they were not avoided. 

Same went to his exes. The fact that they once be with him, quite disturbing me. I am jealous for the fact that they were with him in his past, where I didn't exist in. For his best-friend girlfriend who is adventure-lover in nature, climbing, cycling when it occurs to me that I'm not even close to an outdoor type of person. Sharing the same passion towards rock bands which i never known of or heard of. For his charming sister in law who able to cook “Nasi Lemak” as delicious as his beloved mama own recipe, when I again not doing so good on cooking. Perhaps I was being too free, having the luxury times in the world. Then my mind contains these unnecessary things. I felt the insecurity over nothing. Happy Diwali, happy holiday! 

KL, KL Sentral

Just after kissed my dad’s hand and thanked him for sending me to the KTM station, I quickly rushed to ticket counter. Watch shown 6.55am. I've missed a 6.53 train again. Sigh. “Both ways, KL, KL Sentral” I said politely without even looking for the lady behind the glass. My eyes glued to KOMUTER 1MALAYSIA’s application form. I’ll enjoy 50% discount of my travel fees once receiving the KOMUTER 1MALAYSIA card. I was a bit reluctant to fill the application form since I don’t really qualify to apply. The lady behind the glass asked me again. Perhaps I was so focused on that form; I wasn't really paid a good attention of her asking. “You need one ticket, or two?” she continued impatiently. I just said two tickets, KL, KL Sentral. That’s too obvious two tickets but with two different destination. But she gave me two tickets to KL Sentral and demanding another 20 cent from me. Then only I looked at her, a young lady in the yellow scarf. She’s younger and thinner than another lady who regularly seated behind that glass. I said “one ticket to KL and another one to KL Sentral”. Since she had printed the tickets, so I really don’t mind to pay her. But the unpleasant tone in her voice had caught my mum’s ear. “Did you really have to speak that way?” said my mum. Guess what. She responded back fiercely, “You are the one who didn't said clearly”. She scolded me. Damn. My mum was about to spell another word or more, but I just want it to end. I really don’t want ruin my early day, a brand new day, neither scolding someone nor getting scolded by someone. I grabbed the tickets and managed to say “have nice day” sarcastically instead of thank her.'

KTM's tagline: 'Ontime, Everytime'. Source: found the photo from this blog http://tinnitusmix.blogspot.com/2012/06/gambar-paling-kelakar-abad-ini.html

Then, I continued nagging while climbing the stair. It was my mum ears to hear me. It was really doesn't make sense. Was “Both ways, KL, KL Sentral” not direct enough to her? I reckon that she’s replacing another lady, whom more welcoming. She would recognized me and understand my words. I really wanted to believe that lady in the yellow scarf was on period or PMS. She looked fierce and so impatient. Or perhaps she had a bad fight with her partner last night. Have a wonderful day.

Dear John

Dear John, another Nicholas Sparks's best-selling novel. Source: Mr Google 

I met you by chance today in LRT coach. Both you and I had missed our earlier train. I recognized you by your voice. The thick Sarawakian accent still won’t leave you although you've staying here in Kuala Lumpur for quite sometimes. It had been a long times since I last saw you. 4 years. Or more. I still remembered you wearing your snow cap to cover-up your big hair. Today, you looked quite different. Your hair’s well-trimmed. You were wearing black slack and ironed blue shirt instead of jeans and t-shirt. You looked thinner that I remembered you were. You’re well-polished I'm supposed. Or perhaps due to career demands, you have changed your appearance. I'm rather surprised you are in teaching field. Being a lecturer of private college which name I couldn't captured when you told me once. I presume you are leading a great life ahead. Good for you!  

'Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?' Source: Mr Google

After graduated, we still kept in contact. You still texting me and telling your stories. One day I have stopped replying your texts. Perhaps I was too depressed with my unemployment. Nor that was my own fault for applying the job only after 3 months graduated. I never heard of you since then. It came to my knowing that you pursued your master. Then I lost track of you. We used to hang out together, karaoke on Sunday morning, singing until sore-throat and laugh. You are a true chatty and bubbly person. In remembering you, never for one minute, you stop talking and laughing. You could tell any stories and we were your faithful audiences. Most of time, you would talking about your home town  Kuching. Those exotic foods you had tasted including ‘Tenggiling’ (Sunda Pangolin). Yacks! Pity you, little Pangolin.

“Have you measured your eyes today?” you said to me. At first, I went blank. Huh? (‘?’) Then only I remembered you used to make a fun of my big eyes. Saying things like my eyes grew bigger by days. I just grinned then. “Where have you been? You are not on Facebook either. Enjoy being secretive didn't you?”. And you just replied with smile. The truth is you are not in FB’s friend-list. I've reached my last station. We didn't exchange our number. We went separate ways. Till we meet again my old fellow friend.

P/s: Above is not another love story of my own version. Too bad isn't it? 

The Unconditional Love

You know when I said I knew little about love?

That wasn't true. I know a lot about love.

I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it,

And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable.

All those wars. Pain, lies, hate...

It made me wants to turn away and never look down again.

But when I see the way that mankind loves...

You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe

And never find anything more beautiful.

So yes, I know that love is unconditional.

But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected,

Uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing,

And... What I'm trying to say,

Tristan is...

I think I love you.

Is this love, Tristan?

I never imagined I'd know it for myself.

My heart...

It feels like my chest can barely contain it.

Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore.

It belongs to you.

And if you wanted it,

I'd wish for nothing in exchange

No gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion.

Nothing but knowing you loved me too.

Just your heart, in exchange for mine. 

Yvaine – Stardust

When you fall in love with someone, it happened beyond your control. It’s just happened. You could not lead your heart to heart someone. Your heart leads you. By chance, fate has brought you to love. Then, can love be measured? Some believe indeed love is measurable. While, some believe in love is measureless. For me, love can be measured through the intangible expression, although not directly measured by weight, height or percentage. But, how you express love does matter.

When you love someone, do you love them with wholehearted? Or perhaps you spare some for yourself. Do you know how much love you had been given away? It not like “oh, today I want to love you 2%. Tomorrow, I will add another 5%. So, add all, 65%. Remaining 35%, I’ll keep it to myself.” Gross. But, wait.  Can you undo the given love? No. Even the one you loved comes clean that he/she haven’t fully loved you, would you pull up your love brake, or slowing down your love speed? No. You can’t. Perhaps you’ll never really learn from your past, the 3 years unrequited love experience. And another 3 years you took to mending the heartbroken might meant nothing to you. Those tears accompanied your sleep might have been long forgotten. The pain and wound you once felt, might have been heal by itself. Why you have to appear too vulnerable when you are in love? Yes. Love is uncontrollable. But why others manage to control themselves? Or perhaps they not really love anyway. Was it?  

When I’m in love, I just love. Nothing more. Nothing less. My love don’t cost anything <3 

An unsettled anger

Source: Mr. Google

How to release our resentment? When people feeding our mind with the mocking comments, definitely the most discouraging and unpleasant one, what shall we response to them? Do we have to put our smiley face and walk away? Do we have to confront them and blast the even more mocking replies on them straight to their face? Apparently, we are not that kind person. Acknowledging what kind of person we are about to encounter, prolong the resentment would not do any benefit for either of us. But, why? Why they can’t use proper words or calming down their intonation when passing on their disagreement or disappointment? Do we would blog about our sullen feeling inside? A younger sister of mine who seemingly wiser than me once said, “Do you really intend to tell the world about your anger? Writing them neither in blog nor Facebook account could only cause the anger become permanent. Literally, we intentionally want it to be well-remembered and not really move on and let time heal the fuming soul. When we hold anger within us, we live in agony. No. We would allow such misery engulf our daily life. Life is so short for us to think of the undesirable comments deployed on us. By that, lives our life GLEEfully. If we could not find amusement while watching GLEE on television. Then, switch off the television. Go straight to our own room, and sing ourselves out loud. But if we heard our neighbours yell from their backyard, please shut out our mouth then. Alles gute!. Wink! 

Beauty freak

I had to admit that I am quite obsessed with the facial skin product. I remembered at aged of 12, I secretly applied my mom's skin product, Oil of Ulan and Hazelin Snow onto my face. Until one day she bought me my first ever complete set of skin product which consists of cleanser, toner and moisturizer. It’s a basic step to flawless skin. I forgot the name of the product but distributed by Zhulian. My mom was an active agent by that time. After being using them for about 3 years, suddenly Zhulian stopped from distributed the product. Huaaaaaa ;’( Since then, I began to try almost every product in market. Just to name a few: Johnson & Johnson Oil Control, Biore, Mustika Ratu, etc. Resulting pimples started to decorate my teenage face. (T_T). I cried at school over those pimples. I blamed for the make-up that I had to wear for school theater. I blamed for the sponge that ‘Kakak Cantik Petronas’ used on my face and other faces. I used to have such a healthy skin before. Worst, they were not getting any better during my final year at secondary school. :’( My bad habit of trying new product launched on market continued until I pursued my study at uni. 

One day, just an ordinary day of student life, a friend of my roommate introduced me to L’Oreal Oil Control T-Zone set. Impatient me, I rushed to nearby market (Mat Sapak, the biggest market in Bandar Jengka) and bought one set delightfully. Within two weeks of using the product, my face became itchy and pimples emerged everywhere they can fit in. I was horrified. I cried (as expected) and freaked out. Argh!! My face!!! Then I stopped using the product instantly. I complained to the one who suggested the product and she tried to reason me by saying that itchy and new pimples were just the healing process. I didn’t believe her. The edge of my nose became smarting. Then, I stopped using the product immediately. But that won’t stop me from trying other product. I sought for local cosmetic products; Sendayu Tinggi, Natasya, Nouvelles Visage, etc.  They won’t help either. Finally, I used Biore cleanser alone for nearly a year. No toner. No moisturizer. No masker. Only cleanser. Then only, my skin begun to recover and heal. I remembered being teasing by my first and last blind date about my pimples. ‘Aik, dah hilang?’. I’ve used the concealer to cover the pimples by that time. Hahaha. Enough of that. Let’s continue. Later, my friend and I started using Oil of Olay Total Effect (recently featuring by Yuna, my favourite singer-songwriter). Ja. The product totally gave a positive effect to our facial skins. They appeared more radiant and black spot begun to disappear. Since then, I never jump to other product. 

Yuna, a new Total Effects Ambassador  Malaysia

But one fine day, one of my colleagues invited me to Mary Kay’s presentation by Kak Niza, a part-time Mary Kay’s beauty consultant. Argh!! Warning sign!! I’ve tried to decline the invitation, but I failed. End-up I was the one who bought one set of Mary Kay’s Botanical Customized Skin Care. I was instantly fallen in love with the product. Love the smell. Love the moist effect left on my skin. Although Kak Niza promised me that the facial pores soon will be shrink. They never were. I still couldn’t get rid of the enlarged pores on my faces. Once I ran out of the product, I changed to another set, Time Wise Anti-Aging which cost me double of the first set. Yet, I still am craving over the crystal clear skin of any SK-II beauty-ambassador namely Ayase, Cate Blanchett, Fauziah Latiff, and recently Kate Bosworth. Their faces are so touchable and an effortless beautiful without any make-up on. I rarely applied any foundation, BB cream or what-so-ever. In fact, I never own one. Heeee. It’s simply because I believe in beauty without too much cosmetic on. Moreover, I don’t know how to apply make-up. My doreamon cosmetic purse (which I ‘curi’ from my lil’ sister) contained ZA White two way foundation compact powder, a Revlon’s lip-gloss, a L’Oreal’s lip-stick, In-2-it blusher (which I supposed already expired), ZA’s sunblock and ZA’s grey eye shadow palette. I seldom bring along my cosmetic purse while outing due to my super-duper lazy to re-apply the powder on my face after perform prayer. 

Ayase, the youngest SK-II face

Recently, my colleague asked me about collagen which I know nothing about. I'm browsing through internet for this supplement, BeautSkin Essence product. I am so keen of trying it. The testimonies received from the satisfied customers are too tempting to resist. A close friend of mine also consumed BeautSkin Essence (BE) since the last 3 month and she’s glad with it fantastic result. Her skin (whole body) became glower, more radiant and fairer. Ok. That’s enough with promoting the yet-to-be-tried-product. While searching for the other supplement, I noticed that my cousin quite recently uploaded her new self-photograph onto her Facebook account, happily showing off her flawless facial skin. With smile wore upon her face, lavishly displayed her inner confidence. She used to having a bad facial skin with a lot of pimples scar. I'm pleased to learn that she finally recovered from the teen-pimples which haunted her years back. Since I'm not that pretty close to her, thus I could not ring her phone and simply asking her ‘Hye you. You looked gorgeous. Bother to share with me your secret?’. So please, let’s guess how am I going to figure out her beauty secret. Tadaaa! I stalked her Facebook account. That’s too obvious. Haha. That’s so not me. Since she didn't bother to reply my comment, so I have no other way but tracking her trail. (“,) I gone through the pages her likes and found out this Vitamin C 500g product. No name at all. It’s Vitamin C 500g. I went numb. Owh, she just consumed Vitamin C for a healthy skin. I never took any supplement or vitamin especially vitamin C because I believe in myth that vitamin C may trigger in increasing your appetite. As I believe in myth that blood donation may lead in weight gain which apparently it’s not. My point here is do I need supplement? Somehow, I still believe in getting nourishment from the food that I eat daily. But does the food that I consumed is enrich in nutrients, vitamin and mineral? Till then. 

Hey, you just like my sister

‘Hey, you just like my sister, using left hand to eat’ said my little brother to my cousin, Abang Shang. I remembered been told to use my right by my best friend’s friend while having dinner. Frankly, I’ve been forced. ‘Use your right hand’ he ordered. I’ve tried to reason him. ‘Use your right hand’ he ordered again with more prominent voice. It was the first and the last time I ever met that guy. It was quite embarrassing to be forced and you’ve done it eventually but not by your own mean.

Holding spoon using left hand is no such a good practice. Over the years, I’ve practiced myself and reminded myself to use the right. It’s never been easier. It was ok for the first two or three mouthfuls, but then I went back using my left hand. Most of time, I just don’t give a damn on it. I used my left for my own comfort. Later, I came across of the Hadith below;-

When anyone among you eats, he should eat with the right hand and when he drinks, he should drink with the right hand. (Muslim: No. 2020) http://forums.understanding-islam.com

Several times I met difficulty while eating in crowd. Clashing elbow with person next to me was a norm. It was even worst when I have to use fork and knife. I would hold the knife using my left for cutting easier and hold fork using my right clumsily. Others make it sound easy for the lefties to change their preferable handed. ‘Everyday training will eventually become your second nature’ they once said. Knowing that if you used your left, you’ll do it faster, thus you’ll always end up using your left hand. The fact that you have the option and the awkwardness seems too much irritating. Yes, indeed with patience and persistence, you will finally nail it. I've been practice for years still never really comfort of using it. I was amazed that I actually able to iron my clothes using my right hand. I trained myself to suit with the electronic devices which mostly designed for the righties.

Further to my reading on this topic, the below are fatwa which I extracted from Samiha’s comment on http://www.turntoislam.com

Al-Shawkaani (may Allah have mercy on him) said in Nayl al-Awtaar (8/183): His words “No one among you should eat with his left hand” signify that it is not allowed to eat or drink with the left hand, and this prohibition has the sense of being haraam, as is established in usool; it should not be interpreted as meaning that it is no more than makrooh unless there is some indication to that effect in the context. Al-Nawawi said: This applies if there is no excuse. If there is an excuse which means that a person is unable to eat or drink with his right hand, because of sickness or injury and so on, then it is not disliked to use the left hand. End quote.

To conclude this entry, whatever happens I must train myself using my right hand to eat and to drink. No further excuse. 

Eve Green

Is that why we give flowers? 
To express admiration?
Sometimes.
But there are other reasons.
A symbol of love, or of commiseration.
A way of saying thank you.
A mark of respect.
Proof we like someone, and want them to smile.
And we put flowers on graves to say,
Look, we still think of you. You're left a space behind.

~ Eve Green by Susan Fletcher, page 115

p/s: Al-fatihah for our late grandparents

“Every waking minute is hell,”

‘Excuse me, from whom you get these big eyes?’ said my colleague, fair skin, tooth obsess as she would brush her teeth more than 3 times during the office hour and her slanted eyes. ‘Are they from your parents?’ she added more. I just shook my head and simply replied ‘No’. Back then, my friends used to call me ‘patched eyes’. I couldn’t bother more. Or my bestie’s brother would describe me as ‘kakak mata besar’. Having popped eyes, protruding jaw, small and almost round nose, big front teeth, flat chest, out of proportion body with narrow upper body and wider at the bottom. I just named a few flaws that I pick up from other’s remarks of me.

Early this week, I came across news pertaining to two young and beauty Singapore-bloggers in seeking their beauty perfection. Both are attractive women. However, both of them dream to be prettier but yet still recognizable. The instant answer to their pursuit of perfection is going under knife, cosmetic surgery. To my surprise, South Korea leads the world of plastic surgery procedure. One in five women in Seoul has gone under the knife. Through my reading on plastic surgery obsession, I managed to found a blogger who teach English at elementary school in Korea. One day, she held a group discussion amongst other teachers on this beauty craze; she was floored by the confession that four of six of her colleagues had undergone plastic surgery. Double eyelids, brighter and anime-alike eyes, nose-job, V-line mandible or jawbones, boob/butt implant, and new sensation among K-pop star leg implant.

K-pop sweetheart mum coupled with as gorgeous K-drama hero dad, what else you would wish for?
Source: Mr. Google.

I just don’t get it when this people volunteer themselves to be cut and spend a fortune to look alike their starlets rather than be they. Knowing the volume of pain they may suffer from, but yet still clinging over it. Yes, indeed, beauty is pain. But does the pain pay off? The most cliché reasons of getting the transformation are 1) getting career boosted, and 2) finding the spouse. Just after finishing my secondary school, I attended a computer class and one of classmate informed that she wanted to attend stewardess interview. I went through the application form, although never cross in mind of being one. In my young thought, stewardess is beautiful, slender, tall, no scar on their body with bright and warm smile upon their face. If stewardess claimed that she’s getting plastic surgery as a part of career requirement, then it’s pretty well understandable. But looking at AirAsia stewardesses and they are just normal people. Opss,  I just criticised on others. Sigh. 

Can't take my eyes of those 'perfect legs'. Source by Mr. Google

So, career is not a solid reason to consent the needless surgery. I reckon most of men embrace natural beauty the most. Heavy make-up just frightens them. I'm saying like I'm a guy. Trust me; I just happen to know it. Giggle. However, it is a whole different story if you are looking for Korean man. He might cry for Song Hye Kyo’s cute features, Lee Hyori’s sexiness (or you just imagine Megan Fox seductive look) and Girls Generation perfect leg in those super short almost invisible pant. I openly adore Angelina Jolie’s dangerously racy lip. But that doesn't mean I want lip implant to emulate Jolie’s lip.

Song Hye Kyo. Source by Mr. Google

 While browsing through the internet on this issue, Korea Education Ministry warned high school students of ‘plastic surgery syndrome’ by referring to Michael Jackson and their local women addiction. Though plastic surgery left the patient with horrify swollen face, or chance the surgery goes wrong is there, this beauty freak endure the consequences of their own choice. “Every waking minute is hell,” a woman wrote in her diary, who’s hanged herself after the double-jaw surgery went wrong.

I must be grateful enough to be born in Malaysia, not in other part of world where the physical outlook does a critical matter. I'm not suggesting that Malaysian are not prejudice and judgemental when it comes to physical appearance. But these beauty obsessions have not come out of the locked closet just yet. Or perhaps we are just simply ignorance as once reported in Malaysia, one of two is either overweight or obese. I won’t elaborate on this just yet. Wait for other entry. Since ‘Winter Sonata’ fever spread throughout the nation back in 2007, K-drama and K-pop became such a boom. Recently, PSY become a viral global marvel with his infamous ‘Gangnam Style’. Although I personally a K-drama fan, but this marvel is quite alarming. My only concern is that does this go-plastic-sensation will spread their wide wing here and implant this craze idea in my young sister and brother? It does bother me hell a lot.

Funny kitten and tiny goldfishes. Source by Mr. Google

After reading quite numbers of article relating to plastic surgery, it is doesn't matter if others call me by ‘big eyes’, ‘patched eyes’ or ‘cartoon eyes’. I would rather regard my big eyes as my uniqueness. Hey, these beauty freaks been dreaming to have bigger eyes. I remembered one of trainee calling me ‘goldfish’ which means prosperity. And I would glad to remember myself with something as good as it. Glup glupp ;p