Sunday, 11 November 2012

Jealousy vs. Envy

Source: Mr Google

I could not stop myself from comparing with others. There was an incident that still fresh back in my mind. It was my final year at university. I remembered getting poor score. My bad, I couldn't remember which subject. Perhaps I didn't quite a scorer back then. And I never was. Huhu. I remembered that I was comparing my best friend score with mine. I even spelt a sarcastic response on her higher mark. ‘Wow, your mark higher than mine.’ I said enviously. But her reply made me amazed more. ‘You have always been getting higher score than mine’, she said. When she begun comparing our physical appearance, I still remained silent. The fact that I'm being taller, thinner and fairer than her, never bother me. But when she actually mentioned about my parents and family affection over me, then only I realized how much grateful am I. She seldom shared her family matters with me. ‘You should be glad for the love showered by your parents, the attention given, the unconditional support and the indulgences'. Not that her parents didn't care for her well-being, it was just me being too dependent on my parents. She was actually envied me for that. In contrast, I envied her for her independent.

So, why did I use envy, not jealous for the above situation?

According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (which I borrowed from my colleague),
Envy     - painful or resentful awareness of another’s advantages.
Jealous - 1) demanding complete devotion,
   2) suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage.

Wikipedia described jealousy as an emotion that connected to negative thoughts of fear, insecurity and anxiety of losing something that he/she values, merely referring to human relationship. Whereas, envious best-described as a resentful emotion experienced when he/she lacks of another person’s qualities, accomplishments, or wishes which he/she being desired of.

My green eye’s monsters become wilder when I'm in love. Yes. I tend to get jealous towards unknown rival, from the unknown exes, to his best-friend’s girlfriend, to his admirable sister in law, to our mutual friend who happened to work under same project with him. Lucky enough I didn't tend to control his social life. There was a time when I easily offended by his comments or concerns of other ladies. Knowing that he never really purposely comparing myself with them, but I was the one who kept comparing myself to them.

Back then to my previous company, I met a colleague who turned to be my closest friend. After I left, the friendship became sour as I always not really good at maintaining a long distance relationship. I always am envied over her being so tough, bold and fierce and of cause of her intelligence too. Seeing her career as the only lady-engineer at site, I became more envious. I kept comparing myself to her. Why I couldn't be just like her? Being so bold and yet charm never leave her side. Why others always saw her potential while they ignored mine? Or perhaps construction never is my battlefield.

The fact that she works under the same project with him also contributed to my jealousy. I knew that my jealousy towards her was surrounded by blindness and without any ground. Knowing her for several years I should be able to understand what type of person she is. She is someone you can call friend for the laugh and the cry. She is trustworthy. But I am in love. I am hopelessly jealous over almost everything. Being apart of him never been easy. Nasty thought came rush through my head sometime and they were not avoided. 

Same went to his exes. The fact that they once be with him, quite disturbing me. I am jealous for the fact that they were with him in his past, where I didn't exist in. For his best-friend girlfriend who is adventure-lover in nature, climbing, cycling when it occurs to me that I'm not even close to an outdoor type of person. Sharing the same passion towards rock bands which i never known of or heard of. For his charming sister in law who able to cook “Nasi Lemak” as delicious as his beloved mama own recipe, when I again not doing so good on cooking. Perhaps I was being too free, having the luxury times in the world. Then my mind contains these unnecessary things. I felt the insecurity over nothing. Happy Diwali, happy holiday! 

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