Confusing me

"Stop Wishing. Start doing." referring to myself. Source: Mr. Google

Last week, I was despaired on my stagnant career. It’s been half a year since I joined this new company yet I still don’t embrace the sense of belonging here. The fact that the construction project that I have been assigned to, still far to be truth. Not a single day the thought of hopping to another company ever leave my mind. There were days when I no longer endured the frustration within me, I texted my former boss and seniors I used to work with, seeking for their kind-advices. Again they were rather leaving me in confusion. Simply because I myself don’t know what I really want. I don’t hold the firm ground and having faith in myself. There was the day I so damn much in need to convert myself into someone else. Someone whom so lavishly confidence in everything she did, someone whom willing to take challenge, someone whom strive over success.

Last Thursday, I did something beyond my sensible mind. I sent my CV to my former boss, Mr. V. The whole day I spent updating my CV (there was nothing to update frankly) and finally at 5pm, I clicked the send icon. To my enormous surprise, an hour afterwards  Mr. V rang me on the phone. He informed that there was a job waiting in line which required both office and site work. Kind of what I've been dreaming of. But the thing is, although working under sun may not such an issue to me now (although I still struggle with the itchiness and reddish spot on my hands once they exposed to the sun) could I take the pressure working under such a massive high profile project?. Each time I passed by any construction site along the way to the office, I could not resist my eyes from not looking into it direction. The sound of pile hammering onto the ground was such a high beat music to my hearing. The dust followed by the ‘lori hantu’ loaded with soil or crusher run was just like unintended compact powder applied on my not-so-smooth face. The excessive sun exposure was such a free treatment to bronze my pale skin which resulting in more human alike rather than doll alike (I'm trying to console myself that soon after I start working at site, my skin colour will eventually change from quite fair to quite dark).

There was a day when I talk to myself, perhaps this field never meant to me. Perhaps I ought to go back to the university and cave in myself doing research which I quite good at (I wanted to believe that I did). Then my mum would be so grateful and saying things like ‘although you hold so much passion on this construction field, but it seem like you are incapable of doing it. Teaching would be more promising to you, dear’.

However, something keeps bothering me most of time. My inner voice keeps saying, ‘Hold on. Don’t give up just yet. You can do it. Chaiyo!’

“Earn a living”, not “make a killing”, because let’s face it; some jobs aren't cut out for fortune-making. – Lydia Teh on Take the Plunge, The Sun, Dec 18^th.

Went through her article, just kept me thinking, perhaps I need to make a drastic career switch. I don’t really mind working extra hours, as I projected myself as someone who loves to work. I'm not someone who sought for the money (otherwise, I will look for part time job since I have more time now), I presumed myself as someone who sought for self-satisfaction the most. I'm quite self-centred myself. All I wish that one day, after such a long and tiring working day, I go back home and murmuring to myself, ‘you have done such a good work today. Well done. There are a lot awaiting for tomorrow. Take a nice and sound sleep. Viel gut!’.

Whenever I went myself confused about everything, then I took refuge into the book that I read. I was imagining myself as the main character. It was Alice Fisher of Life’s Too Short to Frost a Cupcake by Rosie Wilde. A Londoner at her mid-30 cleaning compulsive whom life have been turned upside down when she had been instructed to fly to Ohio to persuade the once massively successful, now reclusive, recovering alcoholic singer songwriter Wyatt Brown to record a new album. Although the storyline kind of fairytale and too good to be true. But yet, it’s entertaining. It’s just good enough to lift up my despair. 

P/s: At this age, I still uncertain about my career path. Not such a good sign I guess.