Rocking 2012

Happy New Year. Source: Mr. Google

Today, 27^th December 2012. It’s only a few days away from New Year. 2012 had been a very overwhelming year for me. Everything turned 360 degree around me. I was for the first time driving alone to another state, what such an accomplishment for me. Obviously because I’m not that good driver and I do not like driving by my own much. Unless someone offers to be my driver, I would be too grateful. Haha.   

I had received a New Year wish from so called stranger (who happened to be my senior at uni, my beloved BFFs wanted to match me with). I had fallen in love him and fallen out of love. I was the trouble, not him. The blame was all on me. Then I fallen in love again and I believe I still do (with the same one, of course).

Secondly, it’s all about my career. The first 6 months were enormously challenging for me. I could only wish having another pair of hands so that I could fasten my work. I became too much familiar with scanning machine and emailing within very limited time with your heart racing like 200beats per seconds, work which I never thought of doing in million years. But I managed to standstill for those 6 months (although uncountable times I had been caught up with my tears all raining heavily over my face at the office). I'm so unprofessional. I must admit. I being the most emotional person my former boss once met. As I said to him, I really wished I could take all the tasks ever assigned to me differently. They were only works; there was nothing personal about it. Yet, I was still putting my very best in delivering every task given. Those 6 months were the most unforgettable moments in my life. Perhaps I haven’t been experienced enough the real adult life. My first working experience was so decent and full of enjoyment and filled with wonderful and lovely people. Then, suddenly been thrown to such unforeseen circumstances (though I was the one whom volunteered myself to be transferred) I couldn't endured the pressure rested on my slanted shoulder. I withdraw. I really tempted to write more on this, but I couldn't and I shouldn't  I kept telling myself to stop thinking over the past, let the past flew with the times. The key to lead a happier life, spend LESS times talking about your PROBLEM and your PAST.

I had received a few great news from my much-loved friends, as my BFF, Bb finally tied the knot to her long times boyfriend. While R also married her other half although they barely a year met. I treasured every moment being in their wedding days, which a beautiful events with bundle of love and joy. The newly-weds were unquestionably happy, grinned to their ears. I was the maid of honour for Bb’s wedding. That was my first time and could be the last time. I might ruined Bb’s wedding by sending her 8 months pregnant make-up artist home and only asked her to come back for second make-up session 3 hours later. The truth was Bb’s make-up artist still in need after ‘akad’. Bb had to change into her reception gown which in Tiffany blue with heavily patched white flower on the right side. The gown exquisitely was custom-made for her petite frame. In the end, Bb’s best colleague and I have to dress her up for the reception. Putting the veil on her, placing the tiara and adhere that tiara properly on her chiffon scarf which matched her beautiful wedding gown. Luckily everything went smooth sailing as the bride wished for.

After saying goodbye to my former employer and colleagues, I joined new company. Everything was new to me. I carried so much hopes and dreams within me as I walked in and signed up my employment letter. I've been dreaming an impossible dream, too good to be true. (I have been indulge in thought that I shall dress elegantly everyday to the office, meeting new people, attending meeting with managerial level, not to mention wearing pretty high-heel) Well, that’s me, such a dreamer. I only learnt that I shall be stationed at HQ until the assigned project started during my very first week here. The fact that I’ll be relying on public transport to reach the office was not easily swallowed. After an hour travelled in public train (45min in KTM coach (if only KTM being nice to me without any further delay and so much stop in between station) and another 15min in LRT coach)), I have to walk another 15min to reach the office. At first, I planned to learn and expert in software which soon will be essential for career enhancement. And I easily give up on that. Since there was pretty much nothing at all to do at this new office, so then I started to blog. Regardless of grammatical errors, I still blog. :-)

There is no direction of my writing as I blogged so much about myself instead. I believe those who happened to read my blog became annoyed by then. Therefore, my New Year resolution is to write only happening, interesting and informative story. There would not be myself photograph to be uploaded, but then perhaps I will share the photo that I take by myself. I'm not good at taking photo, so please don’t expect something fantastic from me. ;-D

Happy New Year. May this coming 2013 brings you all the beautiful colour and fun in your life. Take care. 

Confusing me

"Stop Wishing. Start doing." referring to myself. Source: Mr. Google

Last week, I was despaired on my stagnant career. It’s been half a year since I joined this new company yet I still don’t embrace the sense of belonging here. The fact that the construction project that I have been assigned to, still far to be truth. Not a single day the thought of hopping to another company ever leave my mind. There were days when I no longer endured the frustration within me, I texted my former boss and seniors I used to work with, seeking for their kind-advices. Again they were rather leaving me in confusion. Simply because I myself don’t know what I really want. I don’t hold the firm ground and having faith in myself. There was the day I so damn much in need to convert myself into someone else. Someone whom so lavishly confidence in everything she did, someone whom willing to take challenge, someone whom strive over success.

Last Thursday, I did something beyond my sensible mind. I sent my CV to my former boss, Mr. V. The whole day I spent updating my CV (there was nothing to update frankly) and finally at 5pm, I clicked the send icon. To my enormous surprise, an hour afterwards  Mr. V rang me on the phone. He informed that there was a job waiting in line which required both office and site work. Kind of what I've been dreaming of. But the thing is, although working under sun may not such an issue to me now (although I still struggle with the itchiness and reddish spot on my hands once they exposed to the sun) could I take the pressure working under such a massive high profile project?. Each time I passed by any construction site along the way to the office, I could not resist my eyes from not looking into it direction. The sound of pile hammering onto the ground was such a high beat music to my hearing. The dust followed by the ‘lori hantu’ loaded with soil or crusher run was just like unintended compact powder applied on my not-so-smooth face. The excessive sun exposure was such a free treatment to bronze my pale skin which resulting in more human alike rather than doll alike (I'm trying to console myself that soon after I start working at site, my skin colour will eventually change from quite fair to quite dark).

There was a day when I talk to myself, perhaps this field never meant to me. Perhaps I ought to go back to the university and cave in myself doing research which I quite good at (I wanted to believe that I did). Then my mum would be so grateful and saying things like ‘although you hold so much passion on this construction field, but it seem like you are incapable of doing it. Teaching would be more promising to you, dear’.

However, something keeps bothering me most of time. My inner voice keeps saying, ‘Hold on. Don’t give up just yet. You can do it. Chaiyo!’

“Earn a living”, not “make a killing”, because let’s face it; some jobs aren't cut out for fortune-making. – Lydia Teh on Take the Plunge, The Sun, Dec 18^th.

Went through her article, just kept me thinking, perhaps I need to make a drastic career switch. I don’t really mind working extra hours, as I projected myself as someone who loves to work. I'm not someone who sought for the money (otherwise, I will look for part time job since I have more time now), I presumed myself as someone who sought for self-satisfaction the most. I'm quite self-centred myself. All I wish that one day, after such a long and tiring working day, I go back home and murmuring to myself, ‘you have done such a good work today. Well done. There are a lot awaiting for tomorrow. Take a nice and sound sleep. Viel gut!’.

Whenever I went myself confused about everything, then I took refuge into the book that I read. I was imagining myself as the main character. It was Alice Fisher of Life’s Too Short to Frost a Cupcake by Rosie Wilde. A Londoner at her mid-30 cleaning compulsive whom life have been turned upside down when she had been instructed to fly to Ohio to persuade the once massively successful, now reclusive, recovering alcoholic singer songwriter Wyatt Brown to record a new album. Although the storyline kind of fairytale and too good to be true. But yet, it’s entertaining. It’s just good enough to lift up my despair. 

P/s: At this age, I still uncertain about my career path. Not such a good sign I guess. 

Will you marry me?

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
-Mignon McLaughlin. Source: Mr. Google

Marge appeared to be quite content these days. I don’t know quite how it happened, but she and Danny were getting along just fine. In fact, when you considered that my sisters and brother were relatively happily married, I don’t know why I had such an aversion to it myself, why I thought of marriage as the end of everything and the beginning of nothing. 

– Kitty McCarthys, Kitty and her Sisters (page 72) by Maureen Lee

I personally not so keen about getting married. I don’t know why. Perhaps I had reached the stage where marriage no longer a huge matter anymore. There was a time when I secretly came to believe that I might be single for the rest of my life. When my parents and people around me keep asking about it, I easily get annoyed by them. Later, I managed to show my casual face. Just grinned at them and walked away. Several of my close relatives volunteered themselves to be my matchmaker. ‘Lawyer, doctor, engineer, you name it. We will find one’. Even my dear friends, those who close to me, worried so much about my singlehood. They were asking me to change my job in order to find a potential date. In fact my former colleagues, tried to match me with his dear friend whom is about twelve years older than me. I could only laugh my heart aloud.

Thinking about marriage alone had frightened me enough. Let alone raising my own child. I'm not such a good daughter and eldest sister myself. Of cause I won’t dare to think of becoming a wife and a mum. Perhaps, I kind of agreed with Kitty. I even come across to ‘love ends at the marriage life’. But I indeed believe that marriage is the beginning of everything. 

Only this year I’m back into this love game. My mum was so excited about it. Perhaps for the fact that it had been quite a long times since I last ever mentioned about going out for a date. Everything went so fast. Fast enough for me to swallow the fact I was about to get married soon. I hesitated. I threw his proposal back. It was the first time I ever jilted someone. I left him broken hearted.

‘Most of the girls at school want to get married.’

‘It doesn't mean you have to’

‘Are you putting me off?’

‘No. I just don’t think marriage should be your sole ambition. You should only marry when you fall in love with a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.’

Kitty and her Sisters (page 192) by Maureen Lee

Shortly afterward, I attached to someone I called love, someone that I want to marry to. Enough of that. It turned out that I was the one who urged for marriage things and we are apparently just a few months met. I always have this little crazy thing within me. I might be an obedient, but. There’s but there. When you expect me to do something without my will, chances I might doing unexpected things are there. I was born to a quite conservative parent, whom expected me to get married soon after meeting ‘the one’. When my parent and others kept asking ‘when are you going to get married?, when are you going to settle down’. I sensed an enforcement hitting my head. And I don’t feel liking it. I just dislike being force to commit into something against my own meant. I tried to reason them. I said things like I wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready just yet. I began talking about the responsibility awaits. Maybe my biological clock is quite alarming, but I don’t see the need to be in a rush to get married. Marriage isn’t as simple as looking for new garments; even looking for a new shirt would cost me whole day hunting. Yesterday you married to A, today you divorced him. Tomorrow you’ll jump into B’s arm. Therefore, marriage shouldn’t be taken very lightly. 

Even if I was sure now that this person was the one I should marry, would I still feel that way in two years? What about in 20 years? I was signing up to be with the person for the rest of my life; I had to be sure. (Belinda Elliott, www.cbn.com)

Marriage has its own purpose. The right reason to get married is the purpose that marriage is designed from the beginning. The basic purpose of marriage is to satisfy our deepest human need, companionship (Hanna Shiferaw). I always believe that marriage as the best way of creating permanent connection. The bonds between you both go deepen over times. 

Yes, I do want to marry the man whom I love. At least now, I genuinely want to get married. Begin to think about having my own family, having my own babies. Babies? I'm so fond over babies nowadays. I wouldn't bear looking at one without holding a temptation of touching them. 

Hilary tells me that women say that they need three husbands in their lifetimes. As a young woman, they need an adventurer. As a mother, they need a father to their children. And as an older woman, they need a companion, a steady type of guy. if you can full those roles over the course of decades, you're in luck. 

- Paul Wexler, married 40 years to Hilary. (www.esquire.com)

P/s : will you be my adventurer, a father to my children and my companion?

Forgiving others

Good thoughts create peace and bad thoughts result in mental tension, with no peace.

– Bridget Mendez, The Sun, 3^rd December 2012

Last Sunday, I attended a friend’s house warming pot luck  sort of small gathering for ex-MCB. It’s been quite a while since we last met. A lot of stories need to be updated. A lot of gossips need to be catch up. I personally enjoyed seeing them. You could hardly come to ‘moment of silence’ with them. Laugh, laugh and laugh. We were laughing at the fool that we went together or the fool that others (refer to our former bosses) made which became our laughing stock. Each of us cherished our old times in Kundang.

As the stories exchanged, I heard something unpleasant to my ears. As the project completed, most of us followed different path. Although everyone seems move on to other place and carry on with the own life, but some still caught in the old memories. To my huge disbelief, ‘you-know-who’ still pour salt to the almost forgotten (but somehow it still glue to my mind) wound. It was rather amusing to find out that she couldn't really get over me. She accused me of trying to steal her ex-boyfriend (by the time, they had long broken apart). He was my colleague back then. I might have a little crush on him since I adored his working etiquette so much. But, that’s it. In remembering him, there was one day he tried to match-make me with his eldest brother. I received an envelope contained a black and white paper printed photograph of his brother. That was hilarious. I just laughed at his childish and replied him, ‘I won’t be your sister in law. Couldn't imagine myself to share your mother attention with your girlfriend (‘you-know-who’ was his girlfriend by that time)’. But that is not my point here. After more than a year since she posted her offensive post about my dear fellow friends and I. I wish, I really pray hard that one day she could stop bad-mouthing others. Guess what? She still tries spreading bad-rumours about me, saying the untruth stories to Manjung colleagues. My only hope that those happened to be friend with me before I left Manjung, should be able to make their own judgement.

I am trying my very best to forget and forgive her wrong. I'm still struggling till today. Regardless she never seeks for my forgiveness herself, but I have to forgive her. I myself had my own wrong. I have been wronged to others too. Whether I did it intentionally or unintentionally only Allah knows. As much I wish those people who I have been wronged to, forgive and forget mine, I really want to believe that ‘you-know-who’, deep down inside her heart, she want me to forgive and forget hers too. Therefore, remain positive toward others. Viele Gut!