Opposite Attraction

Source: Mr Google

He is an extrovert, you are an introvert. He loves travelling; you are barely leaving your hometown. He endures adventure and extreme sports; you only do aerobic instead (does aerobic count as sport?). He enjoys the more you ignore me by the Smiths; you enjoy Bubbly by Colbie Caillat. He wears t-shirt and jeans anywhere, you wear flowing maxi and cardigan almost everywhere. He likes James Bond type of movies; you indulge Pride and Prejudice type of movies. He eats red meat, you eat white meat. He likes vanilla muffin, you like chocolate muffin. He likes Magnum Classic and you like Magnum Chocolate Truffles. And the list can go on and on...

I couldn’t find the answer whether or not the opposites do attract. Searching through the google couldn’t give me the precise answer. There are mix opinions on the topic. Some showed a preference for someone with the same sort of the traits. Others think that homogeneity or similarity is too boring. Perhaps you both might run out of things to talk about since you both attached to similar things. But, when it comes to involve feeling things, there couldn’t have one rigid answer. You could be Vivian and Edward of Pretty Woman in real. Perhaps your Jerry Maguire is on his way to melts you down with ‘you complete me’. Some urge for qualities that complement their own rather than ones that they already have. Things like this could happen. What matter the most, how you handle and tolerate with those differences.  

Untitled

It is impossible for you to satisfy everyone needs, let alone to satisfy your ownself. You feel like you’ve stagnant at one place. No way to turn to. No one to refer to. Everything seems so blurred. You know that only you can make the change. But you still there, so numb. You are standing still with your clueless mind. You let your mind wondering of any possible answer for your unspoken doubt. At one time, you think of letting go everything. Let yourself free. Free like a bird, flying up in the sky to an aimless destination. Every waking moment, your thought fills with uncertain things. You are not depressed. Yes, you assured about it. It’s a normal daily life as a human. You just have to face it. Chill! 

Source: Mr Google

Jealousy vs. Envy

Source: Mr Google

I could not stop myself from comparing with others. There was an incident that still fresh back in my mind. It was my final year at university. I remembered getting poor score. My bad, I couldn't remember which subject. Perhaps I didn't quite a scorer back then. And I never was. Huhu. I remembered that I was comparing my best friend score with mine. I even spelt a sarcastic response on her higher mark. ‘Wow, your mark higher than mine.’ I said enviously. But her reply made me amazed more. ‘You have always been getting higher score than mine’, she said. When she begun comparing our physical appearance, I still remained silent. The fact that I'm being taller, thinner and fairer than her, never bother me. But when she actually mentioned about my parents and family affection over me, then only I realized how much grateful am I. She seldom shared her family matters with me. ‘You should be glad for the love showered by your parents, the attention given, the unconditional support and the indulgences'. Not that her parents didn't care for her well-being, it was just me being too dependent on my parents. She was actually envied me for that. In contrast, I envied her for her independent.

So, why did I use envy, not jealous for the above situation?

According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (which I borrowed from my colleague),

Envy     - painful or resentful awareness of another’s advantages.

Jealous - 1) demanding complete devotion,

   2) suspicious of a rival or of one believed to enjoy an advantage.

Wikipedia described jealousy as an emotion that connected to negative thoughts of fear, insecurity and anxiety of losing something that he/she values, merely referring to human relationship. Whereas, envious best-described as a resentful emotion experienced when he/she lacks of another person’s qualities, accomplishments, or wishes which he/she being desired of.

My green eye’s monsters become wilder when I'm in love. Yes. I tend to get jealous towards unknown rival, from the unknown exes, to his best-friend’s girlfriend, to his admirable sister in law, to our mutual friend who happened to work under same project with him. Lucky enough I didn't tend to control his social life. There was a time when I easily offended by his comments or concerns of other ladies. Knowing that he never really purposely comparing myself with them, but I was the one who kept comparing myself to them.

Back then to my previous company, I met a colleague who turned to be my closest friend. After I left, the friendship became sour as I always not really good at maintaining a long distance relationship. I always am envied over her being so tough, bold and fierce and of cause of her intelligence too. Seeing her career as the only lady-engineer at site, I became more envious. I kept comparing myself to her. Why I couldn't be just like her? Being so bold and yet charm never leave her side. Why others always saw her potential while they ignored mine? Or perhaps construction never is my battlefield.

The fact that she works under the same project with him also contributed to my jealousy. I knew that my jealousy towards her was surrounded by blindness and without any ground. Knowing her for several years I should be able to understand what type of person she is. She is someone you can call friend for the laugh and the cry. She is trustworthy. But I am in love. I am hopelessly jealous over almost everything. Being apart of him never been easy. Nasty thought came rush through my head sometime and they were not avoided. 

Same went to his exes. The fact that they once be with him, quite disturbing me. I am jealous for the fact that they were with him in his past, where I didn't exist in. For his best-friend girlfriend who is adventure-lover in nature, climbing, cycling when it occurs to me that I'm not even close to an outdoor type of person. Sharing the same passion towards rock bands which i never known of or heard of. For his charming sister in law who able to cook “Nasi Lemak” as delicious as his beloved mama own recipe, when I again not doing so good on cooking. Perhaps I was being too free, having the luxury times in the world. Then my mind contains these unnecessary things. I felt the insecurity over nothing. Happy Diwali, happy holiday! 

KL, KL Sentral

Just after kissed my dad’s hand and thanked him for sending me to the KTM station, I quickly rushed to ticket counter. Watch shown 6.55am. I've missed a 6.53 train again. Sigh. “Both ways, KL, KL Sentral” I said politely without even looking for the lady behind the glass. My eyes glued to KOMUTER 1MALAYSIA’s application form. I’ll enjoy 50% discount of my travel fees once receiving the KOMUTER 1MALAYSIA card. I was a bit reluctant to fill the application form since I don’t really qualify to apply. The lady behind the glass asked me again. Perhaps I was so focused on that form; I wasn't really paid a good attention of her asking. “You need one ticket, or two?” she continued impatiently. I just said two tickets, KL, KL Sentral. That’s too obvious two tickets but with two different destination. But she gave me two tickets to KL Sentral and demanding another 20 cent from me. Then only I looked at her, a young lady in the yellow scarf. She’s younger and thinner than another lady who regularly seated behind that glass. I said “one ticket to KL and another one to KL Sentral”. Since she had printed the tickets, so I really don’t mind to pay her. But the unpleasant tone in her voice had caught my mum’s ear. “Did you really have to speak that way?” said my mum. Guess what. She responded back fiercely, “You are the one who didn't said clearly”. She scolded me. Damn. My mum was about to spell another word or more, but I just want it to end. I really don’t want ruin my early day, a brand new day, neither scolding someone nor getting scolded by someone. I grabbed the tickets and managed to say “have nice day” sarcastically instead of thank her.'

KTM's tagline: 'Ontime, Everytime'. Source: found the photo from this blog http://tinnitusmix.blogspot.com/2012/06/gambar-paling-kelakar-abad-ini.html

Then, I continued nagging while climbing the stair. It was my mum ears to hear me. It was really doesn't make sense. Was “Both ways, KL, KL Sentral” not direct enough to her? I reckon that she’s replacing another lady, whom more welcoming. She would recognized me and understand my words. I really wanted to believe that lady in the yellow scarf was on period or PMS. She looked fierce and so impatient. Or perhaps she had a bad fight with her partner last night. Have a wonderful day.

Dear John

Dear John, another Nicholas Sparks's best-selling novel. Source: Mr Google 

I met you by chance today in LRT coach. Both you and I had missed our earlier train. I recognized you by your voice. The thick Sarawakian accent still won’t leave you although you've staying here in Kuala Lumpur for quite sometimes. It had been a long times since I last saw you. 4 years. Or more. I still remembered you wearing your snow cap to cover-up your big hair. Today, you looked quite different. Your hair’s well-trimmed. You were wearing black slack and ironed blue shirt instead of jeans and t-shirt. You looked thinner that I remembered you were. You’re well-polished I'm supposed. Or perhaps due to career demands, you have changed your appearance. I'm rather surprised you are in teaching field. Being a lecturer of private college which name I couldn't captured when you told me once. I presume you are leading a great life ahead. Good for you!  

'Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?' Source: Mr Google

After graduated, we still kept in contact. You still texting me and telling your stories. One day I have stopped replying your texts. Perhaps I was too depressed with my unemployment. Nor that was my own fault for applying the job only after 3 months graduated. I never heard of you since then. It came to my knowing that you pursued your master. Then I lost track of you. We used to hang out together, karaoke on Sunday morning, singing until sore-throat and laugh. You are a true chatty and bubbly person. In remembering you, never for one minute, you stop talking and laughing. You could tell any stories and we were your faithful audiences. Most of time, you would talking about your home town  Kuching. Those exotic foods you had tasted including ‘Tenggiling’ (Sunda Pangolin). Yacks! Pity you, little Pangolin.

“Have you measured your eyes today?” you said to me. At first, I went blank. Huh? (‘?’) Then only I remembered you used to make a fun of my big eyes. Saying things like my eyes grew bigger by days. I just grinned then. “Where have you been? You are not on Facebook either. Enjoy being secretive didn't you?”. And you just replied with smile. The truth is you are not in FB’s friend-list. I've reached my last station. We didn't exchange our number. We went separate ways. Till we meet again my old fellow friend.

P/s: Above is not another love story of my own version. Too bad isn't it? 

The Unconditional Love

You know when I said I knew little about love?

That wasn't true. I know a lot about love.

I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it,

And it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable.

All those wars. Pain, lies, hate...

It made me wants to turn away and never look down again.

But when I see the way that mankind loves...

You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe

And never find anything more beautiful.

So yes, I know that love is unconditional.

But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected,

Uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing,

And... What I'm trying to say,

Tristan is...

I think I love you.

Is this love, Tristan?

I never imagined I'd know it for myself.

My heart...

It feels like my chest can barely contain it.

Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore.

It belongs to you.

And if you wanted it,

I'd wish for nothing in exchange

No gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion.

Nothing but knowing you loved me too.

Just your heart, in exchange for mine. 

Yvaine – Stardust

When you fall in love with someone, it happened beyond your control. It’s just happened. You could not lead your heart to heart someone. Your heart leads you. By chance, fate has brought you to love. Then, can love be measured? Some believe indeed love is measurable. While, some believe in love is measureless. For me, love can be measured through the intangible expression, although not directly measured by weight, height or percentage. But, how you express love does matter.

When you love someone, do you love them with wholehearted? Or perhaps you spare some for yourself. Do you know how much love you had been given away? It not like “oh, today I want to love you 2%. Tomorrow, I will add another 5%. So, add all, 65%. Remaining 35%, I’ll keep it to myself.” Gross. But, wait.  Can you undo the given love? No. Even the one you loved comes clean that he/she haven’t fully loved you, would you pull up your love brake, or slowing down your love speed? No. You can’t. Perhaps you’ll never really learn from your past, the 3 years unrequited love experience. And another 3 years you took to mending the heartbroken might meant nothing to you. Those tears accompanied your sleep might have been long forgotten. The pain and wound you once felt, might have been heal by itself. Why you have to appear too vulnerable when you are in love? Yes. Love is uncontrollable. But why others manage to control themselves? Or perhaps they not really love anyway. Was it?  

When I’m in love, I just love. Nothing more. Nothing less. My love don’t cost anything <3